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To Change a Mind: Parenting to Promote Maturity in Teenagers, by John McKinnon
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In this companion to his first book, An Unchanged Mind, John A. McKinnon provides invaluable advice to all parents of teenagers and young adults. Using case studies gathered from his years helping parents with troubled adolescents, Dr. McKinnon explores the ways that adolescent development can be derailed in today’s complex culture and how parents can prevent this from happening in the first place.
Dr. McKinnon writes about how parents need to recognize their children as individuals, with their own feelings and opinions, as they start to establish their separate identities as young people and begin to negotiate their way through high school and beyond. He also makes clear that parents must continue to establish limits. These allow children to flourish and further their goals within boundaries that enable them to learn the consequences of their actions (both good and bad), thus providing a fundamental lesson of being an adult. Dr. McKinnon explains that, in tandem, parental recognition and limit-setting promote maturity.
Packed full of examples and containing sensible and practical advice for parents of pre-teens or teenagers, To Change a Mind is an essential guidebook for parents seeking to make their lives—and the lives of their children—richer and more fulfilling, as the family navigates together the potentially treacherous seas of adolescence.
- Sales Rank: #831410 in eBooks
- Published on: 2010-11-09
- Released on: 2010-11-09
- Format: Kindle eBook
About the Author
John A. McKinnon, M.D., was educated at Harvard, Cambridge University, Case Western Reserve University, Yale, and Norwich University. He taught at the University of California, San Francisco, and directed psychiatry hospital programs in Texas and Montana. Disgusted with the mediocrity of "managed" care, he left traditional medical centers to co-found Montana Academy, a therapeutic school for troubled teenagers on a remote ranch near Glacier Park. His co-founder and wife, Rosemary, is also a therapist, and they have three daughters.
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
A Very Clear and Practical Solution
By Loretta G. Breuning
A young person's misbehavior might get labelled as a disease and treated with a pill, but the problem often persists. This book shows that old-fashioned immaturity may be the cause. Maturity doesn't happen automatically, McKinnon explains. It only happens when a kid gets "recognition" and "limits."
I didn't understand recognition until I read this book. Giving a trophy to every kid on a soccer team is not recognition. Kids want their true selves to be seen. If they are struggling in soccer they need a trusted adult to see that. Parents are often tempted to look away from their children's struggles. Of course, parents sometimes focus too much on a child's shortcomings without recognizing the good. Seeing both the good and the bad according to the facts of the moment is not an easy skill for a parent. This book shows how to give your child the authentic recognition they need to mature.
Many kids don't get it, so their child-like behavior continues into their teen years. Their juvenile narcissism gets bad results with peers and with teachers. This leads to mounting disappointment and frustration, but a kid can't change on their own. They need an adult to enforce limits and provide frequent recognition. Without this, they are likely to vent their frustration in immature, self-destructive ways. At this point, McKinnon says, the problem can't be solved "at the synaptic level." The kid needs new behaviors. They need a mature approach to life.
I realized how much I had learned from this book when my daughter told me about her roommate's selfish behavior. My daughter wanted to be understanding but found it hard to keep tiptoeing around the drama. "Immaturity is not a disease" I told her, and realized I had absorbed this book.
Parents can help their children avoid the suffering that immaturity leads to. The book is full of simple examples that show how much things improve when parents or other adult figures are consistent with recognition and limits. In the end, it's a very hopeful book.
7 of 9 people found the following review helpful.
Where was this book when I needed it?
By Jack V. Briner
Of all the books that I have read on troubled adolescents, I found this book my favorite. To Change a Mind: Parenting to Promote Maturity in Teenagers is a follow up to Dr. McKinnon's An Unchanged Mind: The Problem of Immaturity in Adolescence. The book provides strategies for sound parenting and options that are available for dealing with troubled adolescents. In particular, it helps explain why a relationship and firm boundaries are essential in the development of teens. The book describes adolescents and behaviors that may be unhealthy. It provides explanation of what is going through the adolescent mind.
Dr. McKinnon provides suggestions for solutions to entrenched teen issues. He provides hints at when conventional therapy may not be sufficient. He provides a glimpse at wilderness therapy, therapeutic boarding schools and other forms of aftercare.
We began reading this book after our young adult son started at a wilderness camp after a very unsuccessful first year of college. After reading the book, I know that we did the right thing sending him to therapeutic wilderness camp with a strong clinical program with psychiatric and educational testing.
I found his explanation of why parents do not set firm boundaries helpful. I feel guilty that we let my son down. However, I now have a better understanding of why I did not seek an intervention therapy sooner.
The book also explains the importance of aftercare. Prior to reading the book, I felt that our son would not need aftercare. However, I now see it as essential for my son and his issues.
One complaint some may have about the book is that Dr. McKinnon uses his school, Montana Academy, as an example. However, he tries not to minimize the schools name as much as possible. I did not find it an advertisement for the school. In fact, I wish we had chosen a school like this for my son when we first noticed some of his issues in high school.
If you have a troubled teen, are considering an intervention or a therapeutic boarding school, this book will help you understand the options. If you follow some of his parenting techniques early enough, your child may avoid the loss of several years of development. If you can develop an authentic relationship and maintain boundaries, you may save lots of money on therapy, interventions and aftercare.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
Limits help teens to gain control over themselves. Limits make future consequences contingent upon present behaviors
By Bibliophile
WHAT READERS CAN LEARN FROM THIS BOOK
1. The importance of parental recognition to their teenager. Parents making time for their teenager, speaking true empathy to him, forging an interdependent relationship with him, and choosing the right moment to give him recognition.
2. The importance of parents maintaining their separateness as adults so they can set teenager limits. How limits help teenagers gain control over themselves, accept legitimate rules, and become responsible citizens. How parents should behave in the manner they want their teen to behave when they become adults: confident, sensible, dignified, realistic, unapologetic about authority, assertive without bullying, good-humored, with common sense, self-discipline, and respect for others' feelings and rights.
3. Why parents should speak courteously and respectfully to their teenager. What serious situations a parent needs to confront, such as teenage arrogance, antisocial behavior, and offensive narcissism.
4. How parents should stand together in their rules and limits. How limits teach children delayed gratification, that they have to work for something they want, to wait their turn, and to consider others. Culturally, how a loss of parental authority resulted in a decline of conscience in their children. How the absence of parental limits allows children to develop greed, irresponsibility, licentiousness, and grandiose self-indulgence.
5. Why some parents don't set limits. For example, the parents believe children are more motivated by praise than punishment; they want to avoid adolescent rage or arguments; they don't know how to set limits; or they feel guilty for putting their children through a divorce. The author believes that parents who defend their teenagers when they break the rules are depriving their teens of character, preventing their teens from growing up, and are producing spoiled teenagers.
6. Setting limits challenges self-preoccupied, self-important narcissism, challenges a lack of consideration for others, teaches empathy, teaches teens to treat others as separate and equal, and makes future consequences contingent upon present behavior. Parents should expect limits to make their teens feel uncomfortable, because limits confront a teen's immaturity. Parent should not shrink from making their teenagers feel shame or guilt when they break rules or behave like selfish people.
7. How to deal with specific situations, including disrespectful behavior, irresponsibility, lack of academic motivation, and defiance. How unlimited punishment should never be used because it is ineffective.
8. How parents can give recognition to their teenagers and set limits at the same time.
9. The necessity of parental example. How teenagers need their parents to act like responsible adults who don't lie, or sleep around, or not work, or throw tantrums, or get drunk, or feel sorry for themselves.
10. How parents who monitor their teens' homework communicate to them that school is important.
11. Wilderness programs which result in a more mature teenager are effective because this teen realized that the whole reason for him being there began when his parents said "No" to his immature behavior.
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